So, as I sit here on this very rainy afternoon, I just accidentally signed up for a 50-miler next month, Iron Legs 50. Someone recently asked me how is it that I could “accidentally” sign up for something, and the answer is, well, because I just do it without thinking it through all the way. You see, if I sat and thought things through all the way, I probably would never do anything. I’d be glued to my chair filled with fear and anxiety. Instead I do the signing up first, and let the fear and anxiety take over after the fact. Because, the fear and anxiety work for me. If I wasn’t scared, I probably wouldn’t do the kind of training I need to do. A little bit of fear goes a long way towards motivating me to get out the door.
Some people say you shouldn’t let yourself be ruled by fear, and while I don’t think we should ever let fear rule our lives, I think that in many cases fear is what allows us to do our best at something. People, in general I think, are afraid of failure. We want to do well, we don’t want to fail. This makes us train harder, work harder, study harder, whatever the case may be. I have this little affliction called anxiety disorder, which, at the crux of it, is fear. I know there’s a lot more to it than that, but really most of anxiety is worry and being afraid of the “what if’s”, often it is an unfounded fear, sometimes it is based in real things going on in my life, and sometimes I have no idea what is causing it. It is ever present, and if I let it, it could easily take over my life. At times it has. With the help of a good counselor, I have learned, for the most part, how to manage it on a day to day basis. Part of managing it though, is doing the things that scare me. I feel like if I do things that scare me, I can control my anxiety rather than letting it control me. Don’t get me wrong, I still have days when it’s hard to leave the house, or when I have to walk out of the grocery store before I am done shopping, but in this one little corner of my life, I feel like I am in control of my anxiety, of my fear. Doing something, accidentally on purpose, that I know is scary, that I know will cause anxiety, but being prepared for it as well as I can be, helps me manage the burden of anxiety. I am normally a very private person, so just putting this out there right now is causing that knot of anxiety to form. It’s scary, but I’m doing it anyway.
Thus, I accidentally-on purpose do things that I know will cause me the gut-wrenching feeling of anxiety. If it’s a race, I train, and prepare, and often over-prepare as a way of controlling this demon. My family can attest that, leading up to a big event, I sometimes get a little bit nutso. I go through the “what-ifs”, sometimes even the most absurd things that run through my mind. “What if I’m last?” “What if it’s too hard?” “What if I can’t do it?” “What if I fall down the mountain?” “What if I get stuck in the mud and a tribe of cannibals finds me and rescues me only to put me in their cooking pot and have me for dinner?” (Seriously, I asked this!). I have such a great family though, that they patiently sit and let me rant and answer my questions…somebody has to be last, it won’t be too hard, you can do it, you’ve trained as best as you can, try not to fall down the mountain, but if you do someone will rescue you, if the cannibals eat you, we’ll miss you. Before I ran my leg of Sinister 7 last weekend, my daughter Clare cheerfully told me “Don’t fall down the mountain in the dark mom, love you!”
And so, on this rainy day in a long string of rainy days, I accidently pushed the button and signed up for a 50 miler next month. Do I feel a little knot of fear when I think about it? You bet I do. I did the short course 60 km version of this race last year, and it is hard, with a heck ton of steep and technical terrain. The long course 50 miles even more so. It’ll be super hard. But I pushed the button and registered anyway, because that’s what I do. There is a line from a song by the band Awol Nation that says “never let your fear decide your fate”. And I really try not to. I do things that scare me. Get out there and do something that scares you…it’s always worth it. Just keep moving forward.
photo by Raven Eye Photography